Reasons Without Excuses

This week there's been a story in the Missoulian all about a young woman who broke her 7-week-old baby's leg by yanking on it in frustration.  Heather of 4+ months ago would have been ready to string her up like the rest of the people on Missoulian.com's discussion page.  The calls to "sterilize her" or "put her through what the baby went through" are fierce and loud.  And boy, do I understand that.  Very similar to this story from a couple years ago when a very mentally ill man killed a kitten in his home, only to go on and kill himself a few days later (you wouldn't believe the death threats that man recieved!).


Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that what these people did to innocent creatures is right.  It's not, very obviously these kinds of things hit "normal society" like a sucker-punch to the gut.  Makes us sick to our stomachs, and makes us want the wrath of God Almighty to smite these wicked agents of Satan.  OK...so maybe I'm over-dramatizing here, but from the reactions of a lot of people out there, I don't think I'm too far off.


The reason I'm posting about this is that prior to this event even happening, I had been debating about whether or not I wanted to deal with any serious topics on my site.  I told a friend the other day, "I can't decide if I should blog about my craft projects or about my postpartum depression."  As she responded, "Wow, those are pretty different".  And since I feel like perhaps that young mother may have been experiencing some battles with PPD herself (or some other problem), and I'm so tired of hearing about people not reaching out for help because of the social stigma's attached, I decided I have to speak out about my situation.



For the sake of saving time, and with her permission, I am going to reprint portions of the "chat" conversation I had with Amanda.  I plan to talk about this often, because it is important to me as a person that others understand that mental illness does just as much damage as any real illness, and very often has much worse affects on those around us. 

With that said, here is Part 1 of what I think will probably be a pretty big series on my blog on the topics of PPD and mental illness in general.

 Me: I can't decide if I wanna blog about my crafts or about post-partum depression. It keeps coming up, and since i'm also dealing/have dealt with it, i feel like writing about it


Amanda: wow those are pretty different


Me: no joke.  but i just know a lot of ppl who either 1. dont ever talk about their probs or 2. never got help, i'm just tired of the stigma


Amanda: you should though. you never know who it might help


me: i would be in the looney bin if i didn't get help


Amanda: lol


me: you laugh, but i'm not far from kidding.  Ask my hubby sometime about the always-crying, panic stricken Heather. it was awful


Amanda: That is sad. You told me that you had warned him about it ahead of time. Did he see the warning signs or did you notice on your own?


me: well the nurses caught me crying when i was still in the hospital; at which point they told my mom, Will and my Dr.


Amanda: It is very prevalent and i think raising awareness and discussing it is good


me: i kept brushing it off, but it got worse by the day. I'm glad I got it fixed, I can't imagine how i would have ever returned to work.  I couldn't even get dressed most days or eat or leave the house but it only lasted 3 weeks. Seems like it was a year tho.


Amanda: that is awful. did you do counseling or medication or both?


me: meds. they kicked in w/in 2 days. it was incredible; went from crazy to normal that fast.  Dr. says he recommends i stay on for up to 6 months, and i'm perfectly ok doing that, so i have another 3 months on it


Amanda: wow


me:  I could tell it wasn't "me" feeling that way, like it was 100% out of my control: it was wayyyy beyond anything i've ever felt before when i was depressed, it was just intense and severe


Amanda: that's good. and zoloft does't go into your breast milk?


me: it does but i'm on a low dose.  and both her doc & mine said it would be okay.  I hope they are right,  but i think she was at more risk before i went on it than now-- because i was crazy :)


Amanda: I've heard that. I hope I never have to go through it, but I am relieved to know that I already have a built in support group who would understand.  Yeah, how scary for you and Will


me: yah he would take Ellie for hours at a time and i was taking lortab so i could sleep.  It was a crazy few weeks. I'd have these insane "highs" where i'd cry from happiness, just feel so much love and connection


Amanda:  that really would be so hard and so confusing


me: yes. but there was a moment where i was nursing...and i was looking at my beautiful girl, thinking about her future and i realized that this wasn't about me anymore, and that i didn't have the luxury of "toughing it out", and i called my doctor that day. Rest is history.  I know not everyone has this drastic of an improvement, but i guess the moral of my story is to reach out for help. If i hadn't, it could have ruined my entire life.  Everything i have built for the last several years could have been gone


Amanda: absolutely


me:   i just couldn't deal with that


Amanda: I think it {PPD} is pretty drastic though. One of my friends has a similar story. At least in the aspect of severe depression, then she got help and life changed dramatically.  Scary, that is a lot to lose!


me: no joke--i've never had so much to lose!  which is why i thank God every single day for it all
  because i know what my life was before


Amanda: Well, I think you are pretty wonderful and that you deserve all the happiness you've been given!  it takes a lot of courage to change.


me: well, i was motivated. i felt like i had a pretty clear choice to make at that particular crossroads: keep going and be miserable for the rest of my life, or take a chance and do the right thing and maybe get to be happy.


Amanda: I'm glad you chose to be happy.


me: uh yah me too :)